Four Trillion years ago, a new and improved research study has found that an unknown species of unknown gender changed their plant diet and suddenly stopped farting. As a direct result, CO2 emissions dropped 68% over the course of five days! Within 3 months all plants on earth died, as did this entire species having no food source other than each other. Like Eric Carle’s, The Greedy Python, it is presumed to be a theoretical scientific fact that this species consumed itself from existence.
The findings have brought great accolade to the New Research Institute of Scientific Herbalology Farts, which prides itself on pride and envy and self absorption. Each researcher was required to drink ten ounces of Absinthe before writing their collaborative findings. It is empirically assumed that their ability to read the teeny tiny grass blades would become easier as they consumed the wormwood based Absinthe given the psychology of oneness. Ommmmmm.
Unfortunately, ultimately 50% of these 2 scientific scientology researchers turned into plants and died of dehydration further speculating that this 4 trillion year old species may have definitely possibly perished from lack of water.
Statistical models were utilized throughout which studied the blades of grass on Mount Olympus under a super duper microscope capable of seeing inside a single blade to the 1 trillionth plasma scope. It was determined that fecal matter and CO2 inside the blades of grass could be traced to the year 4trillion BC, give or take a margin of error of =/- 3.
Given that a plant based diet causes more farting, when this species began to eat each other instead of plants, CO2 levels dropped dramatically according to Dr. Fennel. Dr. Fennel has ten honorary degrees bestowed by the bestest institutions across the globe. He has lectured extensively at grocery chains across every state and country traveling via high-speed feet. Highly regarded, Dr. Fennel is pinky swear sure that everything he says is factual, although he acknowledges its theoretical plausibility is plausible.
As a result of this study, G7 Summit leaders across the globe have decided to confine everybody inside an underground steel enclosed bathroom so as to mitigate the effects of farting as a result of the Bill Gates induced plant diet.
Each steel bathroom enclosure will house 4000 citizens and will be secured by a Police Herbalist who has been authorized to promptly hose down anyone who attempts to escape with Monsanto Glyphosate. The G7 leaders and all their family and friends will be exempt given their consumption of real meat is considered their royal divine right and farting will be kept at minimal degrees as measured by the guestimator techno-gaseous collator.
In the meantime, while everyone is confined, all property and real estate will be confiscated for the Greater Good of the G7. Dr. Fennel has requested 1% of the total confiscated bounty for his time and efforts in producing this study. This request remains under review given the G7 thinks this would dilute their shares in an unprecedented boogyman manner. Dr. Fennel has stated that if his terms are not met, he will hose down all G7 leaders with Monsanto Glyphosate canisters, which he has been hording for 1000 years.
Currently all G7 leaders are hiding in the Little Shop of Horrors awaiting instructions from Audrey II, a Venus Flytrap.
Forthcoming information will be made available on inscribed toilet paper.