Job Requirements – a Want Ad

WANTED: “Recent” College graduate, prefer MA, 15 years previous experience required, able to lift heavy loads – upwards of 125 to 300 pounds, sit endlessly doing nothing, have a respectable, professional attitude, designer clothing required, work 80 hours per week and some weekends, and rise to the occasion when your boss screams obscenities at you that may require you to bow, bark and scrape like a pet dog. Likely candidates should have no life outside of work and have no possible evolution of a life.

Before submitting a resume, all candidates must complete a short online test including skill levels of Excel, PowerPoint, Word, Oracle, Perl, Java, Sage, SAP Business, NetSuite, PHP, NDS, JDE, Cruise Control and Timberline. Estimated time to complete the test is 20 hours. Anyone whose score is below 99.5% will not be considered, ie, don’t bother sending in your resume. Due to potential cheaters, candidates who are interviewed will have to retake a similar test in a 4×4 room we provide, locked and secured, camera monitored (bathroom breaks are not available).

Health insurance will be provided after one year of satisfactory performance without sick days, leave or vacation, however, given that our insurer has just announced they will be leaving the Obamacare exchange, the only plan available has a $25,000 deductible and a 60% co-insurance clause with a maximum out of pocket of $150,000 per person and $300,000 per Family. The $3200 monthly cost will be shared employee/employer 75/25. If financial assistance is required – that is your responsibility, as all employees are required to accept the policy we offer or they will be terminated.

We provide a 401(k) plan available to Executives only. Given this position is for Management, you would not qualify until or unless you were promoted within to an executive position. However, given this has never happened in the history of this company, it is doubtful you will ever qualify. But you can always hope.

Our Dental and Vision plan has a $15,000 deductible after which everything is covered except teeth and eyes.

Preference will be given to a young person willing to work as an “Intern”, however serious candidates who meet all the criteria and are under the age of 28 will also be considered at a starting salary of $25,000 annually. We anticipate over 10,000 applications for this position, so no one will call you if your resume is rejected. Bonus’s are common within this company, but they routinely apply to top tier Executives – so you won’t be eligible.

We are an Equal Opportunity employer looking for that exceptional candidate that can fit into Cinderella’s Shoe. Please do NOT call or your resume will be rejected. Resumes over ½ a page will be trashed. Resumes that do not meet the writing guidelines of The Association of Resume Writers – will be trashed. Resumes that utilize colored font will be trashed. No Recruiters, no Bondsmen, no Political agendas. Period.

We anticipate choosing our candidate within the next month however, in the event that we do not find any of the submitted resume’s fit the Shoe, we reserve the right to list this job opportunity again monthly up to one year.  Candidates are prohibited from sending their resume to any other company, agency or individual during this candidacy period or their resume will be – trashed.

Interviews will be held weekly between the hours of 6am and 6:30am. Each candidate scheduled for an interview will be allowed to sell themselves before a committee of ten senior executives for exactly six minutes. Unlike presidential debates, if you go over your time, you will be hauled from the interview room forcibly and not considered viable.

Any protest of these rules and guidelines will be considered a terrorist act and Homeland Security will be called whereby you will be arrested on the spot and spend eternity in the most tortuous prison on this earth.

If accepted into this five star company, you will be required to sign a contract that prohibits you from ever leaving our employ unless fired for just cause (reasons can be found in our company handbook on pages 6 through 127). If you do attempt to leave this company on your own terms, you will be liable for a rebate of all wages earned between the first 1 and 7 years, 75% of wages earned between the next 7 and 15 years, and 50% of wages earned between 15 and 25 years. At the end of this 25 year grace period, you will be deemed to be fully funded and free to find work elsewhere as you will be considered too old to be of further service to this company.

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